living and enjoying

i've been performing some wonderful feats of escape lately... from what am i trying to get away? the answer changes daily, and the success is varied. maybe overall i'm just trying to escape from the looming sense that i want a better idea of what's going to happen than i really have.
where does this idea that i need to know how it all works out even come from? surely my logic tells me that no one knows, that we're all floundering. and if we're all in the same state of disarray, grasping for something safe, then we're all just as easily in the same perfect state of calm, sure footing abound.
there must be some comfort in this? scratch that. there is much comfort in this.
it is humans who love company, not misery. and i have loved my company of late.
k

it is so so late.. but it was a good visit.

"how to embrace everything all of life?!-maybe we both just need bigger arms..."

indeed.
a good night to you (n.), and to you all.

a gift from the ants?

i spent most of this day moving more of my things to and from... i'm finding myself more at home in the new place, as my favorite things are slowly making the journey. it has been lovely to watch for h.m's reaction to the new things arriving daily; a lamp or two here, a cupboard of tea there. mostly he gives me a satisfied nod and smile, recognizing that this space was lacking without my things.
a more troublesome adjustment has been with the ants who have found their way up to this fifth of floors, through the bedroom, along the living room wall and into the kitchen. and back. they have surprised (and fascinated) me in their determination, and i have surprised myself in my ruthlessness.

on a much more bizarre and heretofore unexplained note (hee hee. note), a fifty dollar bill appeared on our bedroom floor last night. neither h.m. nor i can remember the last time we even had a fifty dollar bill, let alone one that would have gone un-missed to then turn up now, completely out of nowhere. it is mystery that has sparked guy ritchie-esque schemes in my imagination, with hookers, maitre d's, and money hidden in drop-ceiling tiles... though as a believer in accam's razor, i should be more convinced that it was left as a peace offering from the ants.
i will take it as such, and terminate the poisoning.
and tonight, h.m. and i will enjoy the dinner-and-movie date that is long overdue... with our new $50.
k

good grey mornings

the earthy smell coming off the river this morning mixed with the traffic exhaust and overcast skies brings me straight back to the many field trips of my school days... i can virtually smell the rubber and vinyl of the school bus mixing with the smell of "the city". galleries, museums, institutions. or a tug-boat ride down the erie canal, perhaps? low bridge, everybody down.
the act of moving has brought about the ritual cleansing; the overwhelming and gratifying process of evaluating my Stuff, donating what i don't need, re-organizing the rest. i am able to take my time and therefore enjoy the process a bit. (but, the surface has merely been scratched; let's hope the enjoyment remains to the end). i need this. i have much to let go of. i know i am not alone.
this new space is truly lovely. the old dirty brick warehouses that surround me are comfortable and cozy and the river beckons for a walk. this will soon be home, and i am looking forward to sharing the process.
k.

away a while

i have gotten lost amidst a whirlwind of change, of new things, of saying goodbye to old things... of just living life, i suppose. maybe soon i will carry on a bit more about this detail or that, but today i want just to clean these cobwebs away, to rid myself of that subtle itch of a non-existent hair across my arm.

and to share some of the delight i've been taking in the bounty of fresh produce. a lovely, solitary breakfast of blueberries with vanilla yogurt and grape nuts. a hearty dinner of potato and celery soup, shared with great company. the dust storm has not settled, but but i am finding moments of peace.
soon, k.

perfection

i gave myself a small bit of my afternoon to get lost in blogland...
my favorite find is yoran morvant's newest line at ashes and milk.

a simple sneeze, a simple bid of good health...

for two solid months, i have been in pain. it started as an annoyance that gave me the perspective to rethink my movements. it progressed to a constant debilitating presence that kept me uncharacteristically inactive. it's latest stage has left me always on the verge of tears, filled with more worry than i will admit to anyone, at the very edge of patience. and this is speaking not a thing of the physicality of such endured agony. no break. no relief. no rest. no end. no life.
i sneezed.
i broke.
i thought my spine cracked. it was blinding, splitting, almost paralyzing.
the next day i was able.
to walk, leap, dance, live, exist... like normal.
i am still able.
and so i shall remain.
k
(above is a lovely gift from a patient sister. see more lovelies here. i am grateful.)

a slow morning with rumpled sheets

finally time together.
a bit of radio. a bit of laughter. a bit of breakfast.
a perfect beginning.